I started feeling sorry for myself earlier.
I’m not one to indulge much in self pity. Rather, I’ll jump to the extreme. Self crisis. Self drama. Self pity is like wine. I prefer Everclear on the path to annihilation.
Not that I don’t appreciate the outreach and collected, thoughtful comments and factual remonstrances. I am just a week out of the hospital. I have limitations. Just the facts.
The enemy within is neither self pity or self annihilation. It is not even trying. At all.
That is the devil inside. The consistent, singular path of… what? It’s what I struggle with. All, and I mean all, of my worst character defects spring from this persistent… homeostasis.
I will fight to stay steady, even if things are collapsing around me. Even if my true ideals and efforts go untapped, unrealized.
The thing is, I know this equipoise, this homeostasis, is actually an asset. I have been in some very active, very rewarding experiences in life, that involved effort.
The homeostasis was just elevated in those days. And I did occasionally fight to defend it.
Yes, my life has crashed, and crashed hard. Trauma level crash. Looking a doctor in the eye, and saying ‘Lets do it, before I change my mind’ – when the discussion is the decision to amputate. To lose a limb. It’s faster than I expected, to go through it.
I healed. Physically. Emotionally I’m just scratching the surface. I haven’t said goodbye.
I need to up my game. Get back on point. Adopt my new limitations and elevate my norm. My balance. The fluid state of being I call homeostasis needs a boost.
I won’t get there continuing to lay about in bed. That’s the easier, softer way. However, as I hopefully noticed, it’s not an easier, softer way. That’s just an illusion. Wishful thinking.
I committed my life to helping others. It’s my vibe. I don’t do it well scraping bottom. And in this vibe, there is no fake it till I make it. Do, or do not. Yoda had it right. Or whoever wrote his bit.
I’ll get back to the jail, to the shelter, to podcasting and blogging. I got a note from work earlier, saying “please come back soon”. That boosted my mood a bit. I’ll get there. Maybe even to writing again, full time. I can’t stay down for long.
I don’t know how to ask for help real well. How does one approach another and say “Hey friend, my homeostasis is buzzing pretty low, can you help boost me back into the light?”
I’ll get there. We’ll get there.
There is no “I” in “we” .